A Charlie Brown Debacle
by Poptart Cheezus
Summary: It's Christmas time once more and Charlie Brown has a plan. Yes the old blockhead is at it again, and this year he's doing things differently. He just needs to live long enough to figure it all out.
1. The Chase

The Chase

_And so he wrote her a letter. A letter that flowed like a poem about swirling snow. Placed in a Christmas card of all things. She'd like that. He wasn't so sure

about the letter though. A roiling sea of savage burns and vicious retorts was all it amounted to.

Vitriol, bad-mouthing and general fucking-about. It was a shameless tirade certain to end all others. How could any sort of deranged dressing-down ever hope to

follow such a definitively hateful letter?

It was horrible and completely beautiful, just like her. It was raging hot, yet had an icy finality to it that echoed through the block-built halls of his mind wonderfully. It

was a crushing bludgeoning instrument of his passion, poised to strike a decisive blow. Yes he could picture it clearly. The look of smug satisfaction, heretofore a

stranger upon his countenance, adorning him like a mocking laurel at the thought of such festive adulation.

This, sure to be promptly followed by the poisoned scowl of boiling fury and unironic indignation. Yes Charlie Brown was getting ahead on his resolution for the new year.

He was resolved to dispense with his mild-mannered and passive nature. No, rather than the standard passive aggression and subsequent smorgasbord of holiday

depression upon which he yearly supped in Yuletides past, he found himself bound and determined to be _overt _this year.

Or rather covert. He hadn't signed the letter or left a return address. He planned to simply put it in her mailbox himself. A bit sheepish in light of his newfound will of

iron, but despite all evidence to the contrary he wasn't feeling suicidal.

Would she figure it out?... He was never a good liar. He was doubtful that he'd be able to pass it off if she confronted him. Lucy was awfully scary when provoked.

Or annoyed. Or in a mood. For a psychiatrist she sure seemed to lack any kind of sympathy or understanding. Sure they were friends, but there's only so many blows

to the head and spine a guy can take before he cracks.

And surely he's cracked!

He panicked as the thought of what he was on his way to do truly set in. What if she hunted him like a dog? That lousy beagle would turn on him in a heartbeat. Hell

he'd probably join in.

Linus would be powerless to save him. He thought about turning around, but cold fear froze him to the December sidewalk as he was hailed by a familiar voice.

"Hey Charlie Brown!" Fuck, it was Lucy. "You skipped out on your appointment blockhead! That's some nerve you've got! You'd better have a good reason. Whatcha

holding there?" "Lucy! I uhhh… well the thing is… see…" He stammered and struggled for words as the sweat came pouring down his head.

"Looks like a letter to me. Gee who's it for?" She asked slyly. He had scheduled the appointment to make sure she'd be well away from the house. Had he really taken

that long?! Good grief. He really was a blockhead.

"Is it for me? Oh I see! No need to be coy Charlie Brown! I _am_ beautiful after all. You couldn't resist. Understandable." "NO!" he blurted before thinking. "Pardon

me?!" "I mean no, it's not for you I'm sorry."

"Well then why are _you_ standing in front of _my_ mailbox?" "Uh…" "You don't think I'm beautiful?! What nerve! What an insult! Gimme that thing!" She lunged for the

card but for once Charlie Brown was quicker.

In a fit of sheer panic he turned and bolted, dashing madly over the frosty concrete! "Hey what the hell?! Hold it! Wait up you!" The chase was on! He prayed to

Santa, God, anyone that would listen to help him escape. If she caught him it was all over. He wept as he ran,thinking of what his miserable life might shortly become.

"HEY! I SAID HOLD IT!" Shit, her rage was making her even faster than normal.

He could hear her mighty feet pounding the pavement. She was closing in! His teary, frozen eyes betrayed him then. Failing to see a patch of treacherous ice, he

slipped and went down in a haphazard and broken heap.

Fortunately, years of taking such falls had built an unusually high impact tolerance in Charlie Brown. He reacted quickly, doing the only thing that he could think of in

that heated moment.

He began tearing up the card and cramming it into his mouth as quickly as he could.

"Ewww gross! What in the hell did you do that for?! ARGH! You know you really are a blockhead Charlie Brown!"

She stomped off in a flurry of disgusted disdain. The snot, sweat and tears saturating his face must have driven her off. Well that and eating a Christmas card,

envelope and all, probably helped. For once his more embarrassing instincts had saved him a savage beating.

Maybe a new resolution was in order.


	2. The Hunt

The Hunt

_The next morning Charlie Brown awoke refreshed. Yes he felt like a new man. Maybe his resolution had served a purpose after all. Sure, he'd embarrassed himself.

He'd done that a million times though. Same with making Lucy chase him down like a rabid behemoth intent on slaking it's unquenchable thirst with the blood of the

innocent. She'd calm down soon enough. A few scrapes, bumps and bruises but nothing serious had befallen him in the end. Really it had felt good just to get it all

out.

Walking over there had been a powerful experience. He didn't _really_ want her to read it. No good could possibly come of it and he'd have just felt awful about the

whole ordeal sooner rather than later; all of the inevitable violence notwithstanding. Yes, ultimately it had all seemed to work out rather well. Yes! It must have

worked.

Normally he'd feel terribly depressed after such an incident, but he couldn't remember ever being in a better mood. Wow! What an enormous relief! What a sense of

confidence! Of gratification! Had he really achieved all of this simply by making a fool of himself and wiping out on the sidewalk? Maybe he had a head injury. Didn't

matter! He felt great and… *Dingdong!* Oh good! He thought. That must be Linus.

Linus was normally inclined to meet him down at the fence on Saturdays but sometimes he'd come by the house directly. It was a bit early though. So much the

better! They could discuss his change in spirits over a bowl of cereal. The silhouette that showed through the window drained the blood from his face.

That black curly hair. Blue dress. It was Lucy. For the love of all that's holy why?! Maybe she was angrier than he'd thought. *Knock Knock Knock* came the pounding

at the door. "I can _see_ you Charlie Brown! Open up!" Oh God, she was going to kill him.

Did she have a knife in her coat? The overwhelming urge to flee for his life settled in once again, but he couldn't move. His mother called out to him to answer the

door. Good, there were witnesses present. Would that really help him though? His mother called on him again. What was taking him so long after all? More knocking.

"Charlie Brown! Open the door please!" The word please caught him off guard. The way she had said it.

Loudly and quite demanding, but not like normal. There was a sense of… pleading in it? Is this how killers talked their way into the homes of their victims?

*BANG*

*BANG*

*BANG*

"Charlie Brown!" She was pummeling the door now. Insistent. Desperate. His mouth had run so dry he wildly imagined himself as a desiccated mummy, incarcerated

beneath the ancient sands of Egypt. Perhaps to remain undiscovered until the end of man. That was a refreshing thought. Was it possible to choke to

death from a dry mouth? He wondered. His mother had opened the door to let Lucy in, and was scolding him to boot. "Yes ma'am, sorry ma'am." His cracked voice

creaked out from between his parched lips, barely audible. She huffed, shook her head at him and apologized once more to Lucy. He didn't remember relocating to

the sitting room. His legs were so leaden he was amazed that he'd gone anywhere at all. His mind was blank. A great empty chasm filled only with the sound of

nothing. He'd finally stalled out. Gone numb. This was it. She had him where she wanted him. Her prey was immobilized and docile. He hadn't even thought to say

goodbye to his mother.


End file.
